I just tried to remove the woman in blue off my page to no avail. Im sitting in Starbucks drinking a chocolate cold brew wishing it was a diet Coke and eating a mozzarella tomato focaccia bread sandwich- I never do this. I see people sitting in Starbucks all the time when I pick up orders for Uber Eats. It looks cool – the people look cool. I imagine what they are working on. Or those sitting with friends- what is that like to have friends. I don’t know as I really don’t have any. Jesus is my BFF but we haven’t been as close as of late. Like for the past 10 years if Im honest. I want my zeal and passion back for Jesus – for life itself but I seem to be stuck in a dead zone. Literally feeling dead inside – very difficult to get excited about much of anything. I was diagnosed with depression in my early teens. Im no stranger to all the many woes of depression and various treatments and “self-talk” etc….this deadness is something different. So on this journey – one if the many things I will share is my journey in finding life inside. Jesus is my life but I feel like were both standing back at a distance. We can’t quite connect. I blame the fact that I drink quite a bit to the distance- in a two-fold standoff of me knowing that drinking so much is not in His will for my life and purpose so I “disqualify myself” from going forward into any real meaningful purpose with Jesus and Jesus standing back waiting for me to use my free will and choose life with Him over being a slave to sinful ways. It feels like that – like drinking has a dark hold on me disguised as light and joy when I drink only to wake up in darkness.
My daughter just text me to see if Im up for PF Changs and here comes the on going battle – I haven’t drank in 7 days and was thinking Id like to go without drinking for Lent. 40 days. Restaurant outings hold one of the strongest triggers to drinking for me. I just get happy thinking about a vodka martini coming my way while waiting for an order of pan fried potstickers. So delish. And those first sips of my martini- filled with guilt and toxic tasting alcohol – like Im drinking rubbing alcohol and feeling like an idiot. Then moving on to half a martini down and….pure joy comes in. Talking becomes enjoyable and I begin to open up. Life feels good. And I relax. Onward to martini number 2….feeling it more. Maybe saying too much – maybe not. Getting on a roll. I try not to go past 2 – that is hangover martini number 3 that I don’t have time for. A real hangover. Its not that I stop drinking- I just go home and continue on with wine or beer or a vodka/cranberry. Light on the vodka. If I could leave it at that once every occasion I would be okay with that night of drinking- but I don’t. I wake up slightly hungover – and by 3:00 the next day my brain tells me its time to drink again. It’s absolutely a great idea and necessary to drink. This cycle goes on and on for days into weeks where I find myself drinking everyday. Thank You Jesus I got the norovirus last Wednesday- which is the only reason I have gone 7 days without drinking. So tonight- what will happen. I never vow or promise anything on what Ill do. Will I sit and eat in a restaurant without drinking tonight???? We shall see…my time is up. Until tomorrow- hungover or happy…